How to Relate with your Teenager
One of the challenges which many parents of teenagers face is communication. While parents have a lot going on in their lives they often overlook the obvious when it comes to their booming teenagers. Which is your changing role.
This is quite understandable. Afterall as a parent, you have been around your child all of his or her life, and you still perceive them as your child. But the fact is that, that child is now rapidly changing both outwardly and inwardly. You need to consider these changes so that you can re-assess your new position and role.
For you to have a wonderful, loving and harmonious relationship with your teenager, it is important to remodel your thinking and perception. Today, teenagers and their parents are very different from those of ten or twenty years ago, and yet their fundamental need to be respected, accepted, understood and nurtured is the same as it always has been.
These are the 5 pillars of strong relationship which Teenagers value the most.
Attention, Respect, Understand, Acceptance and Trust
- Attention:
Because of the inner changes that your child is now experiencing
you can help reduce their emotional stress and uncertainty by being more attentive to your teenager's needs. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean giving in to every whims and demands. What I am saying is that at most times growing up can be very frightening for the average growing adolescent. The emotional, physical and mental changes often are overwhelming.
These changes, especially the emotional roller-coaster can be alarming for your teen. But as a parent, you can talk openly to them about it explaining how you felt when you were that age.
Try not to brush aside their insecurities by saying things like: "yes I know what you are going through, but it'll pass," or "those are just teenagers mood-swings and you'll get over them". Instead be attentive and empathize with what they are going through.
Hug them and help them feel safe. When your teenager consciously
realises that you have also been where they are now, a new confidence develops and this forges a new bond with you. After all, you are the parent and you have made it. This makes you the living evidence that their momentary missgivings will surely pass.
Every living being thrive on attention and your teenager in particular.
-
Respect:
As an adult you sense and know the importance of being respected by others and showing respect to others. But very often it is easy to forget extending this respect to your own growing adolescent.
Think about all the wonderful qualities your teenager possesses and
decide to focus more on them. You can let them know how much you admire these qualities in them by simply saying "that you respect them".
Telling your teenager that you respect him or her usually makes them feel worthy and self secured. I once had a 14 year-old said to me that he didn't feel like making any special effort at home or at school. When I asked him the reason for that kind of attitude, he simply answered "why should I bother, it never seems to matter to my parents one way or the other. They are too busy picking on me for all what I do wrong!"
I encourage you to examine your own definition of what respect means to you. Do you consciously let your teen know that you respect him/her? If not what is holding you back? Are you afraid or embarrassed to openly use those words: "I respect you?"
Don't worry. Teenagers adore this honesty and you really get rewarded by their joy and determination. Go ahead try it out!
-
Understand:
Would you not agree that the essence of all communication is the need to be understood? We all want others to understand us, and why is this so? Simple. Because we want to be appreciated.
Allow the love you have for your teenager to show through your action.
When you listen to your child, listen to understand his or her own points of view. Listen fully to understand what is going on inside of him. Listen with your intuition to pick the underlying vibration and fear. Listen openly to connect on a deeper level with them so that you really understand what they are trying to communicate.
Encourage them to tell you everything and don't be afraid to ask questions. Repeat at intervals what you have heard to make sure that you understand what they are saying. Calm them down when they feel aggitated, by telling them that together you will find a solution to whatever it is that they are expereincing.
When your teenager experiences that he can come to you with anything, he/she will begin to feel more understood and your communication will be loving and respectful.
-
Acceptance:
All tenagers want to be accepted for who they are. It has been my experience that adolecents are a special population who respond with rebellion, resistance and often sadness when blamed or criticized.
It is best not to compare siblings with each other either in your mind or in your attitude. And most certainly not verbally! This can generate some surpressed resentments and complexes or worst still, some animosity toward the preference child.
Every teenager is competent in their own way, they only require the right motivation and trust. Usually when there is a difficult situation, most teenagers feel overwhelmed. This is because they are not yet used to searching for solutions, so they can get easily discouraged or frustrated. This is where you the parent can use your life-long experiences. Show your acceptance of them and do not blame them or make them feel guilty.
You want to know how to accept your teenager? Here is how.
Allow your teenager to talk to you about what he loves doing and observe the sudden brighteness and instant aliveness about him. That's his strength. That's how he wants to be accepted. That's who he is!
Accepting your teen for himself is acknowledging what he can do, what he loves doing and is capable of achieving. That is the path to true acceptance.
-
Trust:
When you indicate to your teenager that you trust them
you can help to promote responsibilty in their actions.
Adolescents want to feel that they have the freedom to
take some responsibilites for themselves, and to know that their parents trust them to act responsibly.
Let your child knows what your values are and how important these are for your own integrity. Your teenager has to learn to respect your boundary. They also have to recognize their own boundary. Which is only possible through their own trial and error.
Another aspect of trusting your teenager is that it nourishes their independence. You will agree that your main interest in your child is to see them become a responsible and independent individual for their own lives. In order for them to feel confident to follow through with what you expect of them, you need to model the behaviour of responsibility in different aspects of your own life to them. By this I mean, if you want your teenager to be tidy, then you yourself need to model tidiness in your surroundings and appearance.
We all make mistakes and when you are able to admit a mistake, you model to your teenager a way of taking responsibility for their action. This also build trust, courage and openeness.
Be clear about what it is you expect from your teenager, particularly concerning the house chores. Be flexible about arrangements and make sure these are mutually agreed upon.
At the heart of these 5 pillars is recognition.
What it basically boils down to is that your growing child wants you to recognise his uniqueness and individuality. When you allow yourself to clearly perceive your child as a unique person being prepared for his life by nature, you'll begin to step into your new role as a companion, a counsellor and a cherished friend. For these are what you need to become to your teenager.
Don't forget that every child has been entrusted into your custody for only a short period of time. They are simply guest in your home until they have fully grown their "own wings strong enough to fly away".
So help them become confident in growing and strengthening their wings, ready to "fly away" when the time comes. And in accordance with the Law of Reciprocity, your own rewards will be joy, gratitude and deep inner peace, which are my loving wishes for you as a parent from the bottom of my heart.
Copyrighted material 2005 Olakunbi Korostensky ND
For personal use only. Re-distribution in any form
or commercial use without permission is NOT allowed
